community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
