i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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