So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
