I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You left your phone here
Wait...
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