yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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