My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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