omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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