i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
