I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
