Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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