Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
