Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
