Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
