I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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