Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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