3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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