I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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