so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
