o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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