I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
