How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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