I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just cropdusted the office
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
