Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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