I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
