You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
