I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
