I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
