hotel room ftw
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
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Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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