Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
