This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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