you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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