you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...