Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..