as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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