Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
