John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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