Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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