I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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