fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
