My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
