Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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