There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
