I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
