The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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