dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
