So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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