Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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