I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There's always time for handjobs
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
