Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
