one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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