can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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