So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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