So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
