I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
