i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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