i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
