I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
