he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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