someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
